Winter Break

Feet cold. sad pathetic clingy boyfriend. hot cheetos. wendy. sushi. economic sanctions. presents. batteries. palestine. johnmayer. gas. crab. college. apps. suck. avatar. bingo. recycling essays. tacos. awkwardness. stomachs. parasites. hard candy. vacuum. blue. traveling. spongebob. fights. lumlait. leprechaun. paranormal activity. bong. weddings. scarves. jerk. shower. texting. sleepovers. cake. snuggie. it's a wonderful life.

I can't help it.

We're all just a bunch of angsty teenagers trying to figure the world out.

Death's a funny thing.

The house is quiet. Amen's crying downstairs. Irsa's being a brat. Ibrahim and Arbaz are in Ibrahim's room. Moin Uncle and my dad are talking downstairs. My mom's also talking. I can hear Arbaz now. But the house is quiet.

I'm the strong one.

Why are you upstairs?
Because I have to pray. And she can't see me cry.
Why not?
*Shrug*
Is it because something about you being weak?!
*Shakes head*
That's stupid.

It's not that. I don't care if she thinks I'm weak. Well, I guess that partly is it. I need to be the strong one so that she feels okay. Me crying isn't going to help the situation. I couldn't even finish my sentence to Ibrahim before I bursted. If I cry, she'll feel bad. Because I'm crying for her not him. I didn't even really know him. Then she'll have to force herself to stop crying or hide it. No. I can't cry in front her. I want her to rely on me. I want to be her rock.

Her tears are still on my shirt.

He's gone. And I barely knew him.

Games

I know how to play people.

I love my dad.

$96000?

"He was asking me about you."
...
"What did you say?"
"I told him I don't know."
"You don't know??"
"Yes."
"WHAT?!"
"I don't know much about you."
"Yeah you do!"
"No, you don't talk to me"
"Aww, don't be so sensitive. I talk to you."
"No, Noor. You don't. You don't spend time with me."

I couldn't think of anything else to say. I wanted to tell him how my day was. What I did in English today. Or that my expos is going to be on parasites and there are so many gross parasites everywhere. And that Ibrahim said that I should start off pretending that I'm a lawyer=parsite. Haha. Boy is clever. I wanted him to know that I have an A in calc. That my personal statements were on Ibrahim and Speech and Debate. That I'm not sure about this engineer thing anymore. That I actually would like to be a lawyer or some sort of public speaker. I wanted to tell him about the John Mayer concert and how pathetic I am. I spent so long trying to win tickets. I want him to know more about me. But it's my fault I don't tell him things. I can't bring myself to. I want him to be proud of me.

It wasn't awkward though. I rarely think silences are awkward anymore though.

He really is one of the best people I know. Actually. No. He's the best. He's kind and so unbelievably selfless. I ask for $5 and he'll give me $20. I want a new phone but I didn't ask him, yet he figured it out and tried looking for one. He wants us to have a better life than he does. He's a little crazy and does get mad easily but he rarely loses his temper. He can make any tense moment not tense. [-_-]

And the way he was talking to me in the car. My God. He was basically saying the same things mama had said to me, but he was so calm and convincing. I felt so much worse. "I'm discussing this." :]

I hope his foot gets better. I hope the business does better. I hope I don't disappoint him. I hope he goes to heaven. I hope he doesn't stop loving us.

I'm going to go talk to him. Homework can wait.