There's no place like home

As much as I don't want to leave SD and the people there, I love the feeling when I turn on Orange Ave. The always familiar streets welcome me. And every week, the feeling of anticipation engulfs my stomach as I pull into the driveway. And every week, my mom's hug reminds me that regardless of where I live, this will always be my h o m e

It's called a hijab

It wasn't a sudden decision. I had been thinking about it seriously for the last 2 years. I wanted to do it but didn't think I was strong enough.

I had always had this weird strong admiration for girls who could wake up every morning and put on a scarf before they left their home. Girls who were self-confident enough and self-respecting enough to be able to wear a scarf because their religion demands it. Girls who understood that a majority of the American population doesn't understand why Muslim women wear hijabs. That most people would just think that it's another form of women oppression when actually it's the complete opposite. They knew that they could be judged and ridiculed and disapproved of, but didn't let that stop them. That's strength.

And up until this past summer, I had no where near that kind of strength.

People who ask me if it's hard or weird or if I get too hot in the sun or if I ever wish I didn't have to wear it, I have this too say. No. I don't feel weird, which I think is weird. I feel really comfortable and confident in it. Yes. It does get hot but nothing too unbearable. It's basically like wearing a tie. When you loosen a tie, you decrease your body temperature by 3 degrees but it's not like you were dying with the tie on. No. Not one day passes that I regret this decision. But yes. It's hard. I know I tell people it's not that bad or hard but that's not completely true. I had to get rid of more than half of my wardrobe. I can't just role out of bed and go outside. If I need to get something out of my car, I need to be covered. Going to the gym is an exciting adventure even without me having to wear long sleeves and a scarf. When I want to take pictures even just around the house, I've got to make sure my scarf is on.

Also. No. I do not wear it 24/7. All girls can see me without it on. No. That's not sexist. Yes. I'm going to wear it forever. No. I don't need to wear it in front of my brother and dad.

I honestly don't have any complaints or second thoughts. I feel great.

This feeling is hard to describe. It's like waking up knowing that I'm at least doing one thing right. Theoretically I can't know if wearing a scarf is the right decision, but theory doesn't really matter here. I know I'm right. I feel it. Everyday. I don't feel like it's an unnecessary hassle. I don't think that i would look so much better without it on. I'm still noor, just with more clothes on.

I want people to know that Muslims aren't these crazy violent oppressive boring people and that wearing a scarf didn't change who I am at all. Muslims are fun normal people.

I want to inspire people to know that it's okay to wear a scarf. It's okay to be proud of your religion. It's not that hard and people aren't that mean. If I can do it, why not anyone else.

But, oh, how I love the stares, the complete avoiding of eye contact, the sassy treatment, the prejudices and slow approachals, the blame for being proud of who I am, the generally nervous or confused looks. But honestly, its not as bad as I thought it would be. People at UCSD are great and funny and open.

I like who I am and what I do. Not many people can say that.

dear zach.



fuck you. i'm sorry that it frustrates you that you can't be fully comfortable in my apartment because you have to shield your eyes or wait for me to put on my scarf or close the door if you want to leave her room or come to the bathroom. oh. and i'm sorry that sanyieh takes so fucking long in the shower and prevents you from peeing in her bathroom, and when you storm off, telling us to make "whoever's in the bathroom hurry" we don't give a fuck. and i'm sorry that andrea doesn't want you to be her boyfriend but is stringing you along for the sex while keeping other potentials on the side. and i'm sorry that yuxdi threatened to punch you after you "accidently" hit her in the face and then asked if you had hit me. and i'm sorry that you can't see that you look unbelievably pathetic when andrea asks you not to come over and you do anyway. and i'm sorry that daniela sits in the bathroom for 20 extra minutes even though she knows that you have to use it. and i'm sorry that andrea's only keeping you because you bought her maroon 5 tickets. please. take the hint. and stay away.


sincerely,

no control.

i explained it all to her. last night. in our beds. in the dark. and i couldn't stop shaking. at 2 in the morning. i had forgotten how that felt.

but she's great. and i'm really lucky.