I'm sorry for Wednesday.

I don’t face a lot of hateful comments. I mean, compared to a lot of other people who wear hijabs, I have it really nice. I meet people everyday who look at me and don’t only see a hijab and the American meanings attached to it. I see people everyday who treat me like a deserved to be treated, like anyone deserves to be treated. Then when people talk to me, they decide whether they like me or hate me and then continue on their merry way. But there’s that occasional person who’s particularly ignorant and doesn’t feel the need to be nice to me. Wait. Scratch that. You do not need to be nice to me, but you owe me the right to be a decent human being. So that occasional person will start talking, without really knowing what he or she is talking about. And somehow, I’ll hear about it. And somehow, I ignore it. I don’t pay attention to it. I accept the fact that some people talk without thinking or taking the time to know exactly what they are talking about. I know that some people suck.

But there are those days. Those days where I’m already ignoring things. Where I’m already trying not to think about certain things. Whether it be my friends’ problems, family issues, another moment of disappointment, me worrying about Ibrahim. There comes a day where someone’s comment is too ridiculous for a snarky sarcastic comment. There comes a comment that I can’t do anything about. One that just depresses me.

I’m not going to say that hateful comments don’t piss me off because that’s just not true. But anger is something that I can generally control. I don’t get angry a lot because it’s pointless and if I don’t have to be mad, why not control it? But sadness is something that I haven’t yet mastered. But don’t worry, I’m working on it.

So I’m sorry that I sometimes can’t stand the cashier’s comment about how pretty my hair used to be every time she swipes me. I’m sorry that I can’t ignore people shouting something something something whore! at me while I’m walking to the beach. I’m sorry that I don’t want to forget the way she looked at me while I walked to the gym.

So I’m sorry that I wasn’t the happiest person around when you all came on Wednesday. I’m sorry that I couldn’t set aside the person talking about how degrading she thinks wearing a scarf is.

This isn’t for your pity. Pity me and I will consider you a fool. People in Gaza deserve your pity, people in Kenya deserve your pity, people in Libya deserve your pity. I don’t need it. This is because I don’t want you to be ignorant. Please.

I hate people.

just call me ignorant.

i've been reading a lot about feminism and abortion rights lately which has again made me rethink my views yet agaain.

so i'm still all for feminism. the kind of feminism that leads to respecting yourself and loving yourself. and not letting anyone believe that they are below another person simply because of gender. because it's ridiculous that women make 73cents for every dollar that men make now when in 1968, women made 80cents to the dollar. how has it declined 7cents in these years? aren't we supposed to be progressing? gah.

also. i know that people who claim to be pro-life come off as ignorant or not caring but that's because most people who are pro-life tend to be so just because they are religious and their religion is against abortion or because they don't agree with killing an innocent person. most people don't take the time to learn the facts. i used to be one of those religious pro-life people who don't like killing innocents when i was younger. then i became more politically aware and decided that i could personally be pro-life but for america as a democracy to function, we needed to be pro-choice. because everyone deserves the choice, right? now i don't really know where i am. i know that there are fewer than 2,000 abortions a year. but isn't it ironic that the main girl in roe v. wade is now a strong pro-life activist? i know that people mostly get abortions because they were either raped, or can't financially support a child, or are not ready for children. and at the risk of sounding inconsiderate, i don't think that these are all valid reasons. i can't believe that they are all valid reasons. rape is a heinous crime that i can not fully understand and will hopefully never have to but i don't know if i can believe that "every time the rape victim looks at her child, she will be reminded of the rape." also, i may be old-fashioned but i firmly believe that little 15/16 year olds should not be having sex. but if they are having sex, they better be hella careful. (side note: i've come to the conclusion that hella is a great word that just fits in places where other words can't)

also. i understand the chances of having a "fucked up child." but i read something yesterday that was pretty powerful. "you've done this to yourself, and only you can get yourself out of this." no. this doesn't apply to everything. i'm not stupid. there are so many things out of our control. but there is more in our control than we realize. at least more than i realize.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”

~Louis de Bernieres