Not Acceptable

I want to scream. Scream until my lungs burst. Scream until the world hears me. Until the world listens to me. Scream until I know that I can't scream anymore.

At the risk of sounding like a terrorist, I want to tell everyone that the way Osama bin laden was murdered was vicious and inhumane. I want everyone to know that I, as a Muslim, probably hate him more than any other group of people. He took my peaceful, loving religion and made it a violent, angry, hateful cult. In one day, he turned the world against us. So, needless to say, I wanted him dead. But everyone needs to know that he was shot between the eyes when he was unarmed and just walking outside his house. I want everyone to know that this definitely fell under cruel and unusual punishment. I want everyone to know that he was not posing an "imminent threat" which according to the American law is the only acceptable reason for killing someone as a means of self defense. I want everyone to know that Pakistan didn't even know that there were American troops in Pakistan ready to kill Osama bin laden. People need to know that though America prides itself on being the greatest fucking democracy around, it performed a very un-democratic act that day. If Iraq, a country we claimed didn't have a working democratic government at the time, could've given Saddam Hussein a fair trial, why couldn't the greatest democratic system figure out a way to give Osama bin laden a trial. Why were civilized Americans savagely dancing and celebrating the cold-blooded murder of this horrible man. Why did we stoop so low. Why can't our exceptionalistic minds understand how un-exceptionalist we actually are. This social construction is so engrained that no one even recognizes its existence.

And that makes me sad.

If Pakistan, or any other country, had come into America, without America knowing, and killed a criminal like that, that country would definitely be thought of as an uncivilized nation. And would have been reprimanded for its illegalities.

But all everyone will hear is that a terrorist from UCSD with a towel on her head is defending Osama bin laden. And that makes me want to scream.

Angry ramblings of an indecisive almost not-teenager

So. I'm really indecisive. I just can't make solid decisions. And generally I like to believe that this is because I just don't really mind either one of the things I'm deciding between. But really, I can't decide things because I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to upset anyone. I want to experience it all. But gah. It's so frustrating.

And sometimes when I do make decisions, I can't figure out whether or not I made the right choice and end up rethinking my decision. Over and over again.

I'm just really frustrated with myself. I have an 8am tomorrow and I've been in bed for 2 hours now. I want to sleep, but my mind won't let me.

edit: talking to my momma makes everything better.

Why isn't Monica more mentally unstable because of Ross' constant overshadowing of her in their parents' eyes as they were growing up? One can only hope that she once was but finally grew out of it.

I'm sorry for Wednesday.

I don’t face a lot of hateful comments. I mean, compared to a lot of other people who wear hijabs, I have it really nice. I meet people everyday who look at me and don’t only see a hijab and the American meanings attached to it. I see people everyday who treat me like a deserved to be treated, like anyone deserves to be treated. Then when people talk to me, they decide whether they like me or hate me and then continue on their merry way. But there’s that occasional person who’s particularly ignorant and doesn’t feel the need to be nice to me. Wait. Scratch that. You do not need to be nice to me, but you owe me the right to be a decent human being. So that occasional person will start talking, without really knowing what he or she is talking about. And somehow, I’ll hear about it. And somehow, I ignore it. I don’t pay attention to it. I accept the fact that some people talk without thinking or taking the time to know exactly what they are talking about. I know that some people suck.

But there are those days. Those days where I’m already ignoring things. Where I’m already trying not to think about certain things. Whether it be my friends’ problems, family issues, another moment of disappointment, me worrying about Ibrahim. There comes a day where someone’s comment is too ridiculous for a snarky sarcastic comment. There comes a comment that I can’t do anything about. One that just depresses me.

I’m not going to say that hateful comments don’t piss me off because that’s just not true. But anger is something that I can generally control. I don’t get angry a lot because it’s pointless and if I don’t have to be mad, why not control it? But sadness is something that I haven’t yet mastered. But don’t worry, I’m working on it.

So I’m sorry that I sometimes can’t stand the cashier’s comment about how pretty my hair used to be every time she swipes me. I’m sorry that I can’t ignore people shouting something something something whore! at me while I’m walking to the beach. I’m sorry that I don’t want to forget the way she looked at me while I walked to the gym.

So I’m sorry that I wasn’t the happiest person around when you all came on Wednesday. I’m sorry that I couldn’t set aside the person talking about how degrading she thinks wearing a scarf is.

This isn’t for your pity. Pity me and I will consider you a fool. People in Gaza deserve your pity, people in Kenya deserve your pity, people in Libya deserve your pity. I don’t need it. This is because I don’t want you to be ignorant. Please.

I hate people.

just call me ignorant.

i've been reading a lot about feminism and abortion rights lately which has again made me rethink my views yet agaain.

so i'm still all for feminism. the kind of feminism that leads to respecting yourself and loving yourself. and not letting anyone believe that they are below another person simply because of gender. because it's ridiculous that women make 73cents for every dollar that men make now when in 1968, women made 80cents to the dollar. how has it declined 7cents in these years? aren't we supposed to be progressing? gah.

also. i know that people who claim to be pro-life come off as ignorant or not caring but that's because most people who are pro-life tend to be so just because they are religious and their religion is against abortion or because they don't agree with killing an innocent person. most people don't take the time to learn the facts. i used to be one of those religious pro-life people who don't like killing innocents when i was younger. then i became more politically aware and decided that i could personally be pro-life but for america as a democracy to function, we needed to be pro-choice. because everyone deserves the choice, right? now i don't really know where i am. i know that there are fewer than 2,000 abortions a year. but isn't it ironic that the main girl in roe v. wade is now a strong pro-life activist? i know that people mostly get abortions because they were either raped, or can't financially support a child, or are not ready for children. and at the risk of sounding inconsiderate, i don't think that these are all valid reasons. i can't believe that they are all valid reasons. rape is a heinous crime that i can not fully understand and will hopefully never have to but i don't know if i can believe that "every time the rape victim looks at her child, she will be reminded of the rape." also, i may be old-fashioned but i firmly believe that little 15/16 year olds should not be having sex. but if they are having sex, they better be hella careful. (side note: i've come to the conclusion that hella is a great word that just fits in places where other words can't)

also. i understand the chances of having a "fucked up child." but i read something yesterday that was pretty powerful. "you've done this to yourself, and only you can get yourself out of this." no. this doesn't apply to everything. i'm not stupid. there are so many things out of our control. but there is more in our control than we realize. at least more than i realize.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”

~Louis de Bernieres

how to deal.

she's standing there. doing the dishes or drinking water. then she'll casually glance out the window, expecting to see him. after the milisecond of forgetfulness, she'll realize that she won't ever see him outside the window again. so she stops washing the dishes. she stops drinking water. and she sighs. she sighs and she thinks. thinks of all that she should've done, could've done. then she gets angry. infuriated. she hates the creature that did this to him. she hates them all. making something so innocent suffer like that. she wants revenge but doesn't know how to go about it. so she silently prays. prays for retribution. then she realizes how silly she's being. she realizes that someone won't ever see her husband again. someone won't ever see her father again. how alone must they feel if she is feeling like this. and so she is sad again. and when she's sad, she glances out the window.

i like her

"Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.

But the problem wasn’t with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through my attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.

But the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us."

-Yasmin Mogahed

Looking back...

I went through a phase where I wanted everyone to ask me about my hijab. I wanted to explain to everyone why I started wearing it and what it means. But only a few asked. Oh, all of them wondered and many disapproved, but only a handful asked. And when one person asked all the others came near to listen in on noors new decision. Many asked those close to me and most feared offending me. But I don't see why I would be offended by a simple question. It's just that people don't like talking about foreign things which definitely included my foreign religion. I just felt really ignored. But ignored isn't the right word. I had just made one of the hugest and hardest decisions in my life and only a few people bothered to acknowledge it. Failing to talk about the large elephant in the room doesn't take away that there's a fuckin elephant in the room. But now that it's been over 6 months, I don't think about other people and their lack of questions. I had made a decision and wasn't really looking for approval but rather, for support. But I'm blessed and was able to find a wonderful support system here. It's funny how things work out.