Winter Break

Feet cold. sad pathetic clingy boyfriend. hot cheetos. wendy. sushi. economic sanctions. presents. batteries. palestine. johnmayer. gas. crab. college. apps. suck. avatar. bingo. recycling essays. tacos. awkwardness. stomachs. parasites. hard candy. vacuum. blue. traveling. spongebob. fights. lumlait. leprechaun. paranormal activity. bong. weddings. scarves. jerk. shower. texting. sleepovers. cake. snuggie. it's a wonderful life.

I can't help it.

We're all just a bunch of angsty teenagers trying to figure the world out.

Death's a funny thing.

The house is quiet. Amen's crying downstairs. Irsa's being a brat. Ibrahim and Arbaz are in Ibrahim's room. Moin Uncle and my dad are talking downstairs. My mom's also talking. I can hear Arbaz now. But the house is quiet.

I'm the strong one.

Why are you upstairs?
Because I have to pray. And she can't see me cry.
Why not?
*Shrug*
Is it because something about you being weak?!
*Shakes head*
That's stupid.

It's not that. I don't care if she thinks I'm weak. Well, I guess that partly is it. I need to be the strong one so that she feels okay. Me crying isn't going to help the situation. I couldn't even finish my sentence to Ibrahim before I bursted. If I cry, she'll feel bad. Because I'm crying for her not him. I didn't even really know him. Then she'll have to force herself to stop crying or hide it. No. I can't cry in front her. I want her to rely on me. I want to be her rock.

Her tears are still on my shirt.

He's gone. And I barely knew him.

Games

I know how to play people.

I love my dad.

$96000?

"He was asking me about you."
...
"What did you say?"
"I told him I don't know."
"You don't know??"
"Yes."
"WHAT?!"
"I don't know much about you."
"Yeah you do!"
"No, you don't talk to me"
"Aww, don't be so sensitive. I talk to you."
"No, Noor. You don't. You don't spend time with me."

I couldn't think of anything else to say. I wanted to tell him how my day was. What I did in English today. Or that my expos is going to be on parasites and there are so many gross parasites everywhere. And that Ibrahim said that I should start off pretending that I'm a lawyer=parsite. Haha. Boy is clever. I wanted him to know that I have an A in calc. That my personal statements were on Ibrahim and Speech and Debate. That I'm not sure about this engineer thing anymore. That I actually would like to be a lawyer or some sort of public speaker. I wanted to tell him about the John Mayer concert and how pathetic I am. I spent so long trying to win tickets. I want him to know more about me. But it's my fault I don't tell him things. I can't bring myself to. I want him to be proud of me.

It wasn't awkward though. I rarely think silences are awkward anymore though.

He really is one of the best people I know. Actually. No. He's the best. He's kind and so unbelievably selfless. I ask for $5 and he'll give me $20. I want a new phone but I didn't ask him, yet he figured it out and tried looking for one. He wants us to have a better life than he does. He's a little crazy and does get mad easily but he rarely loses his temper. He can make any tense moment not tense. [-_-]

And the way he was talking to me in the car. My God. He was basically saying the same things mama had said to me, but he was so calm and convincing. I felt so much worse. "I'm discussing this." :]

I hope his foot gets better. I hope the business does better. I hope I don't disappoint him. I hope he goes to heaven. I hope he doesn't stop loving us.

I'm going to go talk to him. Homework can wait.

Sleep is an escape.

love.

He lived in a three-plex. She lived next to him and he lived in the last one. He sneaked out to see her even though he didn't really know her but he liked her. He was waiting for her to come out. He was just sitting and reading the newspaper. Since it was noon, he started to pray but at that moment she came out. She had just showered and her smell was irresistible. But he was praying and so she walked out onto the grass. He noticed her and smiled. He looked up from the newspaper and in a low and knowing voice said, "you're looking good." He was infuriated but continued praying. When he finished, she had walked off and he had gone back to reading his newspaper. He finished praying and the next second he was on top of him punching every part of him that he could reach. After a while, he grew embarrassed and stopped.

He woke up, hot. He turned over in bed and there she was. She was his. He went back to sleep.

It goes on.

Cold. Awake. Michael Buble. Thirsty. Tired. Secrets. Kings of Queens. Emotionless. Pirates. Darkness. Purging. Green. Closet. Hurts. Brian Peppers. Blanket. Texting. PostSecrets. Orlando Bloom. Scissors. PANTS. Water. Dreams. Expression. Lying. Domestic Abuse. Tissues. UC App. Dry. Train. Tapes. People. Granted. Shaking. New Moon. Bathroom. Scared. Expectations. Windows. Seven. Pressure. Best Friends. Trust. Socks. Cancer. Fingers. Spongebob. Parasites. Gravity. Boys. The Middle East. Goosebumps. Hair. Lotion. Life. Red. Charging. Slow. Walls. Fridge. Control. Thoughts. Sleep.




idon'twanttobutidon'tknowhowtofixit.

One Week-Barenaked Ladies

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to one side and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together, come back and see me
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry


Hold it now and watch the Hoodwink
As I make you stop, think.
You'll think you're lookin' at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish,
Although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi'cause its ever touched a frying pan
Hot like Wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like LeAnn Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfort's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me
But I bust through.
Gonna make a break and take a fake,
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla, its the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show, 'cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause its so dangerous,
you'll have to sign a waiver


How can I help if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have the tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt


It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy
Five days since you tackled me,
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized its not my fault, not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me,
And now I sit back and wait till you say you're sorry


Chickity China the Chinese chicken
Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm gettin frantic
Like Sting, I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasswa, I make mad films
Okay I don't make films,
But if I did, they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with the tiny nubs,
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing


How can I help if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have the tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt


Its been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to the sides and said I'm sorry
Five days since I laughed at you and said
You just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room,
We realized we were both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause we still got two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry,
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry,
Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie.

my everything.

"What's a motto that I live by?"
"Friends are everything"
"That's not true"
"Yes. It is for you."


I'm sorry that I like spending time with them and talking to them but if for one moment you think that you don't matter to me as much as they do, you are beyond wrong. I pine for your approval, your attention, your laughter. I want it so badly. And I get it. But when you say this, it all goes away. I go back to the bottom and have to work my way up again. I hate these moments. The look in your eyes. Disappointment. It hurts more than you think it does. I care. I really really do. I'm not good at showing that. Something to do with me being vulnerable. Stupid. I know. I also know that you aren't always thinking like this. You know that I care immensely about you. But even those moments that you do think inversely, I just want to yell. I want to scream, kick, cry, fight, and throw a fit. So that you'll have to look at me and tell me you weren't serious. Console me. Love me. We're okay now again. But I have to regain your respect. Please don't stop believing me.

I love you. Forever have and forever will.

There. I said it. I'm scared you'll forget about me.

I need to make myself a John Mayer CD.

and then figure out how to convert it onto a tape cassette.

Happy Birthday

So, I just found out that she would have been 50 today. It's not affecting me though.

"

Missing and remembering my Aunty. Can't believe she would have been 50 today. May Allah bless her with Jannat.

"

I read it probably 5 times. Then went to my notifications. Then went back to it. Read it 4 more times. Stared at the screen for a while. Nothing.

Am I that heartless?

We're running out of time.

It's already November.

Man up.

We're stuck in jello. We have the ability to get out. But neither of us is really trying.











i don't like jello.

pride and prejudice and zombies.

I broke!
i broke!
*thumbs up*
I BROKE!
I broke!
*squeal*

Did I break? crap.
You? no?

"we suck"
yeah. basically.

broken strings

This has happened before.

She got mad. We did not talk the whole next day. Even though we sat at the same table, right next to each other and she knew that I was leaving for the Speech and Debate State Tournament in a couple of hours. The next day I apologized through text in the middle of my rounds. She was too stubborn to apologize. Though she did admit that she should have been the one apologizing. But still, she didn't apologize. She was the one who hurt me. But it was fine. We were cool again.

Now it's been a week and you won't even look at me. You should at least have the decency to tell me why you're mad. But I'm not going to apologize. I don't know why I should.

You can't turn me on or off whenever you want to. That is not fair.

Titanic

The cold makes me sleepy. Only because I try extra hard to make myself warm. Warm equals cozy. Cozy equals sleepy. sadness.

Yesterday I got home from school and ended up falling asleep on the couch. The day before that, I fell asleep on my parent's bed. -__-



My dad and brother are so alike. They are oblivious to EVERYTHING. Yesterday at dinner, my mom and I were talking about something and then Ibrahim chimed in at one point. After we were done with that conversation, my dad heard the last comment and was like "Who said that?" My mom and I simultaneously slapped out foreheads. [We're going to be brain damaged. I just know it] Ibrahim's like that too. Sigh. We'll be talking about something and then stop for a second. If we pick it back up, Ibrahim will be completely lost. Well, at least it keeps my mom and me entertained.


Oh. And Sunday night. I was at the Debate Tournament and my mom was at a party thing so Ibrahim and my dad were home alone. And what do these men do at home alone? Watch Titanic.

How to Deal

Life will play out the way it's supposed to.


It doesn't scare me anymore. A good thing? I don't make jokes to cope anymore either. I just deal with it.




_________________________________________________________

"I need to learn how you do it."
Please don't.

i hope that if i keep saying it. it'll come true.

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_____________________________________________________________

We aren't as close as we used to be?
Nah. but thats ok. i mean, we're still close.



How did that happen?

<3

HAPPYBIRTHDAYMYLOVE.

We make a difference.

It's weird how many lives one life touches.

look up. now.

I'm tired of hurting people.





On a side note.


People need to look up at the sky more often. It's beautiful.

Ignore this.

I don't know how it happened. Or why. I wish it hadn't have happened. But it did.




I guess I'm not in denial anymore.

superhuman

people have this image of me. perfect? i hate it. because i know i'm not. but i don't tell people that. so they just keep seeing me the way they do. i'm sorry.

Don't Judge Me!

You know when people say thinks like

"You're going to think I'm crazy/evil/angry/annoying/psychotic/..."

it's just a protective warning against getting judged. We don't like being judged but are constantly doing it. Marvelous.

_________________________________________________________

AHAHA. I don't know why I wrote this. This is just the last thing I thought of in the shower.

Dream.

Incomplete Thoughts.

Hate is a strong word. But I really really really don't like you.

______________________________________________


Everyone has a distinct smell. It's weird. It isn't their perfume/cologne. It is their natural smell. Some are stronger than others. I can think of two people who's smells are really strong. And I don't know why their smell is stronger to me. It's actually kinda creepy. I can recognize people by their smells? The smell of their jacket, shirt, hair. That's how dogs smell out people. duh. Ibrahim smells really bad. :] AHAH. [not really] But the smells aren't good or bad. They're just there.

Justice

Justice don't mean a bad guy goes to jail, it just means somebody pays for the crime.

Last First Day?

Ibrahim ran into the shower first. And though I don't shower in the same shower as him, I don't like using both showers at once because the water is less on both of them and that just sucks. So I'll wait.

Tomorrow's our LAST first day of school. It's starting to hit me. We won't be able to do better next year. There is no next year. I'm freaking out a bit. Just a bit though. I don't feel like a senior. Tomorrow is the first day of senior year. The first day of our last year. The first day of the end. It will just feel like any other first day, but it's not. It's our LAST first day. Ahah. I don't know what I'm trying to get at. I just want this year to be awesome. It's our last after all. I should feel different? Right? But I don't. It's all so surreal [fareshte's word:] I'm still in summer mode. But summer is over. I don't know what I'm expecting of this year. I just want it to be great. It won't be easy. But fun? It better be fun. cliche? quite.

I'm not freaking out anymore:]

MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE

DID YOU KNOW THAT MUSTACHE IS SPELLED WITH AN O?!?! LIKE MOUSTACHE.


oh wait. no it doesnt. MY LIFE IS NOT A LIE.



and this is probably the most pointless post ever:] but it just made my day.

there's a she wolf in the closet

It's hot. My mom and I have divided up the house into countries. Ibrahim lives in Hell. Yeah. We named the country Hell. The guest room is Ghost Country. My room is Spicy Country. My mom and dad's room is divided up into two countries. The side near the AC vent is Cucumber Country and the other side is The Sahara. The upstairs bathrooms are all Necessary Country. Downstairs is ALL Heaven. Except the garage. That is No Mans Land. It's not even worth going in there.

christianity.

Ifreshtea (12:14:54 AM): Creation of BlueSkittlesKind
Ifreshtea (12:15:13 AM): ON THE FIRST DAY, NOOR AND FARESHTE SAID LET THERE BE SOIL
Ifreshtea (12:15:18 AM): AND THERE WAS SOIL
Ifreshtea (12:15:21 AM): AND THE SOIL WAS GOOD
Ifreshtea (12:15:38 AM): ON THE SECOND DAY FARESHTE AND NOOR SAID LET THERE BE A COOL ORANGE CUP
Ifreshtea (12:15:49 AM): AND THERE WAS A COOL ORANGE CUP AND IT WAS GOOD
Ifreshtea (12:16:07 AM): ON THE THIRD TDAY NOOR AND FARESTHE SAID LET THERE BE A SEED
Ifreshtea (12:16:13 AM): AND THEY NAMED THE SEED OGGY
Ifreshtea (12:16:18 AM): AND OGGY WAS TO BE GOOD
Ifreshtea (12:16:23 AM): OGGY WAS TO BE THEIR CHILD
Ifreshtea (12:16:41 AM): AND ON THE FOURTH DAY FARESHTE AND NOOR SAID LET THERE BE WATER AND THERE WAS WATER AND THE WATER WAS GOOD
Ifreshtea (12:16:53 AM): AND ONT HE FIFTH DAY NOOR AND FARESTHE SAID LET THERE BE SUNLIGHT
Ifreshtea (12:16:58 AM): AND THERE WAS SUNLIGHT AND THE SUNLIGHT WAS GOOD
Ifreshtea (12:17:17 AM): AND THE SIXTH DAY NOOR ADN FARESTHE SAID LET OUR SON BE A BLUE SKITTLE
Ifreshtea (12:17:29 AM): AND THEIR SON WAS A BLUE SKITTLE AND THE SKIITTLE WAS GOOD
Ifreshtea (12:17:49 AM): (see bible for rest of story)

trapped.

i am so unbelievably trapped.


but. am also an ungrateful brat.

Debate.

I've been roaming around, always looking down at all I see.




I forgot how much I loved debating. Today we were discussing the new resolution, which sucks by the way, and it was basically Katie and I, and sometimes Elizabeth Koh, arguing. The resolution is: Resolved: Public High School students ought not be required to pass standardized high school exit exams. First thought: A RESOLUTION ABOUT THE SAT?!?! No. It's mainly about the CAHSEE. But even then, second thought: OH YES. STANDARDIZED TESTS SUCK! But why? Because students hate having to take them? Because they're long and tedious? Because they don't test how smart we are but how well we can manipulate the system? Yes. But are those, minus the last one maybe, legit reasons to completely eliminate standardized tests? No. We need them. They set a bar that all students must reach to pass high school. The CAHSEE seemed easy to us Oxford kids but there are so many students who fail this test each year. If we didn't have standardized tests, teachers could teach whatever the hell they wanted and then we wouldn't be prepared for "what's out there." Not all kids go to college so these exit exams do not deal with college acceptances. They are just to test how well the student knows his stuff. They keep teachers to the curriculum since they show how well the teachers taught the students. No. This would not lead to teachers just giving students the answers so that they pass their class and make it seem like they are great teachers, for the teachers couldn't possibly get the standardized test answers.

Damn. I have nothing on the affirmative.

Pay Attention

The sky really does look like a painting. Go sit on the roof. It's beautiful.

Eh.

So I promised myself the next post I would write would be happy. But. But. But. The next one will be positive.

All I really need to say is that. If you keep pushing me away, I eventually won't want to try to push myself back to you.

Invisible Woman

Invisible Woman by Rich Orloff

You want to know how I am? Well, that makes two of us.
You want to know the thoughts in my head?
Well, so do I.
At least, part of me does.
And part of me doesn't.
And the part of me that doesn't, rules.
Mostly I keep busy, so I won't have
time to listen to myself.
I keep busy, because I'm afraid
if I take time, there may be nothing to listen to.
And every now and then,
When I do hear something,
I get scared.
What does that though mean?
What am I supposed to do with it?
Where should I put it?
When it goes away, I breathe easier;
And I try to get busy again.
Other people, I look at them, and
They seem so filled with
thoughts and feelings.
How can they get any work done?
If I felt and thought as much as
most people, I don't think I'd have
the energy for anything else.
Sometimes I think feeling and thinking
is a fad, and one day it'll pass.
Somewhere,
Somewhere inside me,
I know I must have that which others have;
And if I forced myself,
I could feel all that's inside.
I'm sure if I forced myself,
If I really forced myself,
And I got over the urge to scream,
I could tell you a great deal.
But what if I couldn't stop?
And what if I stayed that way,
Thinking and feeling all over the place,
Every waking moment?
And telling you all about it;
Getting so that I wanted to;
And that I needed someone to listen?
No, that doesn't sound the least bit attractive.
And if I told you everything I thought
And everything I felt
And everything I desired,
And when I finished,
If, but for a split second,
You looked at me in silence,
I'd feel so alone
That the terror would collapse my heart.
And even if I survived that,
Even if I survived the terror,
You'd know where my soul lived;
And I need to have an unlisted soul.
I know you seem to like me,
But I know you don't know me.
So what does your affection mean?
And I see that you're kind.
And I see you try to bring me out.
But I don't trust it's what you really want.
No, even if I knew what I thought and felt,
I could not tell you.
So please stop asking.
I could love you if you stopped asking.
Please.
Please
Order your drink,
And let's have dinner,
And tell me stories of your day
And of your life.
Distract me, engage me,
Let me live through you.
You can do that, I know you can.
It's your most attractive feature.
Just stop asking me how I am,
Please.
Before I get annoyed,
Before I lose patience,
And get so fed up I tell you,
And risk it all,
And face the terror I have no yet
named but which runs my life.
And if you make me go there,
I will only resist you
And resent you,
And neither of us will be happy.
So you tell me how you are,
And I will listen,
And I will take your hand,
And I'll make you glad you're a man.
But I will not tell you how I am.
I cannot tell you.
Ever.

blogging.

So, I realized just now, well, no. That's a lie. Not just now. I realized this a couple days ago when Ibrahim read the first two posts in my blog. This isn't me. I came into my room and he was laughing, really hard. He was on the computer so I came over and was like, YOU'RE READING MY BLOG?!? And all he said was "I don't know."

jerk.

:]

I punched his arm, which did absolutely nothing to him. The days when I was stronger than him are over.

I love Ibrahim. Random? Yeah, not so much. I can count on him to be straight up with me. Yeah, he can be mean and a jerk but he is honest. I like honest/blunt people. That's why I'm mostly blunt, unless I know that a certain person can't take it. Then I will sugar coat my bluntness. It's not really bluntness anymore.

OK. STOP RAMBLING.

[see. Now that rambling is more like. I'm really scatterbrained. I am constantly thinking at least 6 different things. ]

But back to the reason for this blog:

After the punch, he started laughing again.
"You're a jerk."
"HAHAHA. WHY? AHAHA"
"Because you're laughing at my blog."
"But, it's so funny!"
"WHY?!?!"
"Because you sound so emo."
*glare*
"No, Noor, think about it. Are you really this emo?"
"*glare*
"I know you can get emo and you help people with their problems, but you aren't always like this."
*?*
"I've read parts of your blog before, when I still wrote in mine, and it sounds like you're trying to impress someone. You do think these things, but you aren't always like this."
"You don't know what's in my mind."
"Yes. I do! We sing the same songs!"
*smile*
"You can write this stuff in your blog but write about things that you really care about. Write about ransom notes [HENCE THE BLOG ABOUT RANSOM NOTES] and zombies and me and your friends and timmy and the color orange and pumkins." [YES. HE SAID PUMKINS:)]
"Ok. Then get out of here boy."
"HMPH. How rude!"
"What are you gonna do now?"
"I DON'T KNOWWW."
"YOU JERK!"
"MUWHAHHAHAHA"


Yeah. I love us.

But he's right. These blogs haven't flown from me. Well some have. But I don't want to write a blog every time I feel "emo." I want to write one when I feel, see, hear something good too.

I just want to discover what the real Noor writes like.

ransom notes.

How to Write a Ransom Note:

Always be direct! While you may spend hours crafting your note, it’s important to remember that the average ransom-note reader will likely spend just ten to twelve seconds reading your hard work before breaking down into complete hysterics and waving your note helplessly in the air.

But ten seconds is all you need to effectively communicate your point. Do not waste time with vague threats when a simple “Or Else!” will do. If you have precise plans in the event the ransom does not come through, express these using active power verbs. Compare the difference between:

“Give me the money or I will hurt your husband.”

and

“Deliver the money or I will maim your husband.”

Constructing Your Note

Sometimes, all that separates your note from countless other threats is the presentation. You should choose a design that is eye-catching, but not overly flashy. Remember, you’ve got only ten seconds to make a lasting impression!

The first step, obviously, is your paper. Simple typing paper tears easily and may soak through to the point of illegibility if the reader is crying. You should choose a heavy cardstock that will withstand the rigorous wear and tear to come—remember, a good ransom note will be passed around dozens of hands: friends, family members, and local, state, and possibly federal authorities.

When selecting your letters, do not just cut up any old papers at hand. The careful, considerate ransom-note writer will pay attention to color scheme and font compatibility. While a white typeface may look great in a magazine, on an off-white background, it may prove hard to read. And mixing and matching various sizes, shapes, and serifs of your fonts could prove harsh on the eyes. Ultimately, you want the reader to smoothly and quickly get to the end of your note without ever stumbling over an awkward logo.

Finally, remember that neatness counts! An X-acto knife is preferable over scissors to slice clean, exact lines around your letters, and rubber cement is better than regular glue, because you can easily wipe away the excess.

summer. . .

So summer is supposed to be fun and relaxing. Where you hang out with friends. But it feels like that's all I've been doing. Summer is not what I expected. Sure, I like busy summers but now I just want a break. A break from summer? I want to keep hanging out with friends but I want to be home more. I know that doesn't make sense. I don't know what I want. I just need more family time? And it's mainly because of my busy schedule. And my dad's work. We have our family moments, like last night. But I want a family day.

I don't know. I'm tired of going out all the time, but I don't want it to stop.

Oh. And I'm so unbelievably tired of saying I don't know. It seems like that is all I'm saying now a days and I really need it to stop. But that's the thing, I really don't know a lot.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know.
Why are you acting like this?
I don't know.
What should we do with him?
I don't know.
How can we fix this?
I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

and I hate that.

This Is What I Do In Summer School.

We had a "How to Write a College Essay" seminar which was basics on how to write essays. yay. So to prevent myself from falling asleep, I wrote about some of the stuff he was talking about. It got interesting at one point.

Love is compromise.
Love is trust.
Love is understanding.
Love is patience.
Love is scary.
Love is a chemical reaction.
People think that love is a great thing that makes you feel great and happy all the time. But it's really not that. Anyone who says that they aren't afraid to fall in love is a fool or doesn't understand love fully. Just listen to the phrase: FALL in love. The thing about love that makes it so scary is that it is so easy to fall right back out of love. To fall in love is a commitment and it's frightening. To love someone, really love someone, hurts. To have your life depend on someone else's. That's scary. To know that if anything ever happened to that person, you would not be able to survive. Love isn't for the independent and self-centered. Love is for those who will put the other person before them and their needs. Those who will ignore their faults. Those who can be completely comfortable around someone. But falling in love and loving someone are 2 completely different things. You can love your family and your friends. But that one person that you are in love with, he matters to you more than you could possibly grasp.

[and then we were forced to write thesis sentences.]

The subconscious is scary. It reveals the true inner thoughts and feelings which people are not ready for. This is why people are afraid of the truth. We live in the cushioned world of lies and make believe. The truth hurts. It makes people nervous. But remaining ignorant prevents the hurt. Is that what you want?
This is why dreams are scary. Not dreams about bananas taking over the world, but real dreams. They represent something. Predict the future? Hopefully not. But they do reveal what is going on now, the the dreamer and the person they may dream about. Even the bananas do. Hurt. Laughter. Fear. Joy. Excitement. Despair. Anger.
Listen to them. They are trying to tell you something.

Helpless

So. Hyperventilating and crying at the same time is not the best idea.

I can't believe i cried that hard. Or cried at all really. The last time I cried that uncontrollably was a year and 35 days ago. I'm surprised that he made me cry.

I was talking to him, well basically yelling at him, about all that I do. I know I'm not perfect and that I am horrible at times but I really care about him. I compromise so much for his happiness and forgive him. But it always feels like I'm the one doing the work in our relationship. I can't say that he never has my back, because he does, but he won't always do things for me. And that's not what I expect. I don't expect him to put me before himself but when he can compromise something that isn't too important to him, he should. I do.

I could feel myself getting weaker. The yelling was getting quieter. My words were breaking up. Voice cracking. I had to force the last few words out. They could barely be counted as a whisper and I ran out. Into my room. Shut the door carefully. My face automatically scrunched into my hands. I had barely taken a step and I started shaking. I fell on my bed and huge wet tears found their way onto my sheets. I stuffed my face into my sheets. I was sobbing loudly. I was kinda shocked. I don't cry loudly. I tried to control it. Couldn't let him hear me. But I couldn't. I got louder and kept on trembling. Gasping for air I stuffed the pillow in my face. And so the hyperventilating began. I forced myself to shut up and got my face out from beneath the pillow. i kept breathing hard but stopped crying loudly. Now just big tears rolled down my face. I got up to get a tissue but how perfect could this be, my tissue box was empty. But my nose didn't care. I just kept running. I found the shirt I went to sleep in last night and stuffed it in my face. Then I stopped. Lay back down on my bed, on my back this time. This whole thing probably took a total of 2 minutes, 3 tops.

This relationship usually doesn't bother me but we he gets like this, I just want him to stop. And I can't fix him. I want to but I don't know what to do anymore. But I just can't leave him. He can't be alone. He needs someone. That's all I can do. Be there.

Commitments.

Even ice cream is a commitment. Think about it. Once you buy an ice cream cone, you have to finish it right then and there. Either eat it or lose it forever. You can't tuck it away to finish later like you can for a cookie. This doesn't mean that you have put a cookie away, just the idea of being able to store it is what matters. But you need to enjoy the ice cream. No guilt. No worries. Let yourself get into the moment.

So close your eyes and slide your tongue over the ice cream. Let its cool sweetness wash over you. Let yourself taste it. Feel it. It will be incredible. Soft and creamy.

Enjoy every moment.

Don't be afraid of commitment.

i love my friends.

i wish i could entertain myself for hours like i used to.
i wish i didn't blow people off as much as i have to.
i wish i wasn't so awkward.
i wish we didn't have to go through this.
i wish you would stop.
i wish you would stop.
i wish you would stop.
i wish you had never left.
i wish i could understand you.
i wish you give other people a chance.
i wish you wouldn't care so much.
i wish you would care more.
i wish you would let me.
i wish i could.
i wish you would say something.
i wish i had said something. anything.
i wish you listened.
i wish you would tell me.
i wish we didn't fall apart.
i wish you weren't here.
i wish i could dream happily.
i wish that you would let me in.
i wish that you would stop playing games.
i wish that you could make up your mind.
i wish that you weren't so guarded.
i wish that you never created these walls.
i wish you happiness.
i wish we don't stop.
i wish i could believe.
i wish i didn't let you down.
i wish i didn't let you down.
i wish i didn't let you down.
i wish i didn't let you down.
i wish i didn't let you down.
i wish that you could see the truth.
i wish i didn't have to avoid it.
i wish i could block some people but not others.
i wish i had time to read.
i wish you had time to sew.
i wish you had time to paint.
i wish you had time to play.
i wish you had time to think.
i wish you had time to relax.

i wish this didn't matter or mean anything or have indirect references.
i wish this wasn't real.
but it is.
yay.

random phrases going through my head.

i am so fucking sick of this crap.

PIMPLES.

i'm scared.

the inferi in harrypotter looked like mini gollums from lord of the ring.

i have to pee.

and now my foot's asleep.

i talk to my body.

that sounded weirder than it was supposed.

please. stop.

i wish i had more control.

my wall has scratches in it. and it's burned.

kinda sorta maybe possible.

i dont like the smell of nail polish remover.

jerk?

i haven't changed my dry erase board since 2 weeks before school ended. it still has hw on it and finals' week's schedule.

I. LOVE. HARRYPOTTER. WITH. A. FIERY. PASSION. AND. THE. SIXTH. MOVIE. WAS. THE. BEST.

i like colors.

hw upsets me. among other things.

i love you.

no. really. i do.

ahah. yes. i'm talking to you. fairy pony princess girl.

:]

i want to teleport.

how fucking perfect.

i need to stop cussing.

i'm not brave enough to punch people.

i don't like pie.

LOOK INTO MY EYES. ... EVERYTHING I DOOOO. I DO IT FOR YOUUU.

a lot of what i say has 2 meanings. well. sometimes.

i love her.

Ifreshtea (10:41:56 PM): HOW'S OGGY?

Ifreshtea (10:42:09 PM): DID THE SOIL EAT 100% BIODEGRADABLE??

bestnoor56 (10:42:12 PM): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

bestnoor56 (10:42:15 PM): OGGY!

bestnoor56 (10:42:22 PM): well he was ok at like 6

bestnoor56 (10:42:24 PM): but now he's out there

bestnoor56 (10:42:26 PM): in the cold!

Ifreshtea (10:42:56 PM): oh no!

Ifreshtea (10:42:58 PM): but he's brave

Ifreshtea (10:43:01 PM): being our son and all

Ifreshtea (10:43:06 PM): i'm sure he can handle it

bestnoor56 (10:44:39 PM): sniff sniff

bestnoor56 (10:44:43 PM): he's gonna grow up so fast.

Ifreshtea (10:44:54 PM): i hope he's not a still birth though

Ifreshtea (10:45:02 PM): he can't die on us!!!

bestnoor56 (10:45:11 PM): NO!

bestnoor56 (10:45:13 PM): ARG.

bestnoor56 (10:45:18 PM): THAT WILL BE HIS GRANDMA'S FAULT.

Ifreshtea (10:45:31 PM):

bestnoor56 (10:45:37 PM): then his other grandma can help create a new oggy son.

Ifreshtea (10:45:42 PM): lol

Ifreshtea (10:45:46 PM): awww

Ifreshtea (10:45:53 PM): i have this new fatherly glow on me

Ifreshtea (10:45:59 PM): if only you could see me now

Ifreshtea (10:46:03 PM): all happy and fuzzy inside

bestnoor56 (10:46:04 PM): i can see you.

Ifreshtea (10:46:07 PM): CREEPER

Ifreshtea (10:46:15 PM): I TOLD YOU TO GET THE CAMERAS OUT OF MY ROOM

bestnoor56 (10:46:25 PM): ;]

bestnoor56 (10:46:30 PM): i like watching you.

Ifreshtea (11:16:55 PM): noor

Ifreshtea (11:16:57 PM): my love

Ifreshtea (11:17:00 PM): mother of my child

Ifreshtea (11:17:08 PM): i have to sleep

Ifreshtea (11:17:11 PM): or at least

Ifreshtea (11:17:25 PM): lay in bed and stare up at the stars

Ifreshtea (11:17:34 PM): wondering where the hell my ceiling is

Ifreshtea (11:17:38 PM): until i fall asleep

bestnoor56 (11:17:43 PM): i will miss you.

bestnoor56 (11:17:47 PM): but i will be watch.

bestnoor56 (11:17:50 PM): go forth. and prosper.

bestnoor56 (11:17:53 PM): and sleepeth.

Ifreshtea (11:18:54 PM): \/_\/

Ifreshtea (11:18:57 PM): no

Ifreshtea (11:18:58 PM): wait

Ifreshtea (11:19:09 PM): \_/

Ifreshtea (11:19:10 PM): no

Ifreshtea (11:19:15 PM): go forth and prosper

Ifreshtea (11:19:22 PM): you can't see me

Ifreshtea (11:19:29 PM): but i'm putting up the hand sign for it

Ifreshtea (11:19:32 PM): cause i'm spock

Ifreshtea (11:19:33 PM): (:

bestnoor56 (11:19:41 PM): AHAHAHA

bestnoor56 (11:19:43 PM): i can see it!

Ifreshtea (11:19:49 PM): whoo!

bestnoor56 (11:20:00 PM): now sleep father of my child.

Ifreshtea (11:20:03 PM): wait

Ifreshtea (11:20:10 PM): i have to express things to you

Ifreshtea (11:20:14 PM): WHAT IF

Ifreshtea (11:20:22 PM): PPL REALLY DID PUT CAMERAS UP IN OTHER PPLS HOUSES

Ifreshtea (11:20:22 PM): like

Ifreshtea (11:20:25 PM): handymen adn stuff

Ifreshtea (11:20:34 PM): what if they were secretly pedofiles

Ifreshtea (11:20:38 PM): and when they

Ifreshtea (11:20:39 PM): idk

Ifreshtea (11:21:11 PM): remove the popcorn from ppls houses that don't like popcorn ceilings

Ifreshtea (11:21:18 PM): and then they put a small camera

Ifreshtea (11:21:41 PM): install a small camera somewhere up on the ceiling

Ifreshtea (11:21:44 PM): where no one can see

Ifreshtea (11:21:49 PM): or would notice it

Ifreshtea (11:21:53 PM): AND WATCH PPL??

bestnoor56 (11:22:36 PM): AHAHHAAH

bestnoor56 (11:22:45 PM): so i just searched my room quickly with my eyes

bestnoor56 (11:22:51 PM): WHAT IF THERE REALLY IS A CAMERA HERE.

Ifreshtea (11:22:57 PM): oh

Ifreshtea (11:23:01 PM): we don't have to worry

Ifreshtea (11:23:10 PM): if someone ever did watch you

Ifreshtea (11:23:18 PM): they'd be scared out of their mind

Ifreshtea (11:23:23 PM): and never watch you again

Ifreshtea (11:23:42 PM): they'd probably sign themselves into a pysche ward

Ifreshtea (11:23:54 PM): just to get the images of you out of their mind

bestnoor56 (11:24:36 PM): THEY WOULD NEVER WANT TO GET THESE IMAGES OUT OF THEIR HEADSSSSSSS

bestnoor56 (11:25:04 PM): I AM BEAUTIFUL.

Ifreshtea (11:25:10 PM): then you would be to blame for their homicide

bestnoor56 (11:25:34 PM): NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR

bestnoor56 (11:25:42 PM): THEY WOULD KEEP WATCHING.

bestnoor56 (11:25:46 PM): kinda creepy.

bestnoor56 (11:25:48 PM): BUT FOR YOU.

bestnoor56 (11:25:53 PM): THEY WOULD BE SO CONFUSED

bestnoor56 (11:25:55 PM): AND MESMERIZED

bestnoor56 (11:26:01 PM): THAT THEY WOULD KEEP WATCHING YOU.

bestnoor56 (11:26:03 PM): FOREVER.

bestnoor56 (11:26:10 PM): AND THEN EVENTUALLY HANG THEMSELVES

bestnoor56 (11:26:17 PM): B/C THEY HATE WATCHING YOU BUT CAN'T STOP.

bestnoor56 (11:26:19 PM): ITS AN ADDICTION.

Ifreshtea (11:26:35 PM): noor

Ifreshtea (11:26:41 PM): that's the story of our friendship