Helpless

So. Hyperventilating and crying at the same time is not the best idea.

I can't believe i cried that hard. Or cried at all really. The last time I cried that uncontrollably was a year and 35 days ago. I'm surprised that he made me cry.

I was talking to him, well basically yelling at him, about all that I do. I know I'm not perfect and that I am horrible at times but I really care about him. I compromise so much for his happiness and forgive him. But it always feels like I'm the one doing the work in our relationship. I can't say that he never has my back, because he does, but he won't always do things for me. And that's not what I expect. I don't expect him to put me before himself but when he can compromise something that isn't too important to him, he should. I do.

I could feel myself getting weaker. The yelling was getting quieter. My words were breaking up. Voice cracking. I had to force the last few words out. They could barely be counted as a whisper and I ran out. Into my room. Shut the door carefully. My face automatically scrunched into my hands. I had barely taken a step and I started shaking. I fell on my bed and huge wet tears found their way onto my sheets. I stuffed my face into my sheets. I was sobbing loudly. I was kinda shocked. I don't cry loudly. I tried to control it. Couldn't let him hear me. But I couldn't. I got louder and kept on trembling. Gasping for air I stuffed the pillow in my face. And so the hyperventilating began. I forced myself to shut up and got my face out from beneath the pillow. i kept breathing hard but stopped crying loudly. Now just big tears rolled down my face. I got up to get a tissue but how perfect could this be, my tissue box was empty. But my nose didn't care. I just kept running. I found the shirt I went to sleep in last night and stuffed it in my face. Then I stopped. Lay back down on my bed, on my back this time. This whole thing probably took a total of 2 minutes, 3 tops.

This relationship usually doesn't bother me but we he gets like this, I just want him to stop. And I can't fix him. I want to but I don't know what to do anymore. But I just can't leave him. He can't be alone. He needs someone. That's all I can do. Be there.